Remember, You're Dating Your Neighbor | glory from dust

I don?t often rave about books. I am a lover of books, and I read a lot of them, but I rarely do any raving. And if I do anything approaching raving, it?s usually to tout some old solid Puritan volume ? Richard Sibbes?s recently published collection of sermons on the Song of Solomon, for example.

But then a genuine gem comes along, and, lo and behold, I can?t help but rave about it. That gem of a book is?Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach, published in February 2012 by Crossway and written by Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas, two wise and well-equipped pastor-theologians. (You can get yourself a copy on Amazon for about $10).

I hope to convince you that every pastor, discipler, parent, and young adult should read, study, and discuss this book.

What We?re Not Talking About (Well)

We evangelicals talk a lot about marriage. Whether it?s defending against perversions of the institution from within and without the church, or sitting down at the feet of sage pastors and pastors? wives to hear the lessons they have to teach about what Christian marriage is and is not, we spill a lot of ink and spend a lot of breath and write a lot of blog posts about marriage. That is partly because in our particular cultural moment it?s a conversation we need to have, and, I think, mainly because Biblically speaking it?s a conversation whose contours are relatively clear. No pastor can honestly say the Bible has nothing to say about marriage and married life.

But that is not the case ? or at least it hasn?t seemed to be the case ? with dating. Pastors routinely say to their congregations, and especially the young folks and college groups, that the Scriptures have little to nothing to say about romantic relationships pre-wedding. To earnest questioners who want to know what dating should look like and how it should work, many pastors give a less than pastoral answer: ?Well, beyond the rule about not having sex before your wedding night, you know, it?s really up to you and the Lord as to how to find your future spouse and what romance will look like as you date.? How supremely unsatisfying!

The Antidote

Enter pastors Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas. These men, wielding God?s truth well and winsomely, are like superheroes swooping in to save the day ? or at least to save dating. They enter a realm already populated by ideas and perspectives (some good and some bad ? probably mostly bad). And while cleaning up the debris and putting things back in their places, the authors do a great deal to elevate, reframe and refocus, and bring gospel simplicity to the topic of dating, all with a refreshing clarity and firm-but-gentle pastoral tone. It is truly a fresh approach: God-centered where we are strongly tempted ? and have tended ? to focus on ourselves.

Here?s the book?s main argument in the authors? own words:

[T]he Bible is silent about sexual boundaries within a dating relationship precisely because God does not view a dating relationship as something distinct from the neighbor relationship. Further, the Bible?s silence regarding dating relationships is not an instance of the Bible?s being silent on dating because it did not exist when the Bible was written, such as one could argue about cars or computers. On the contrary, sexual propriety is an issue the Bible pays a great deal of attention to. While God has not explicitly prescribed the means by which we are to move from the neighbor relationship to the marriage relationship (i.e., courting, dating, arranged marriages), he has clearly prescribed how he expects all men and women to act outside the marriage relationship. Far be it from us to invent our own guidelines of sexual propriety based on our relatively modern way of conducting premarital relations. (p. 53)

By showing that God does offer direction for dating relationships in his Word, if slightly indirectly, Hiestand and Thomas open up a treasure trove of Biblical wisdom. Dating is no longer a relational and sexual free-for-all; it has clear boundaries, not vague ones that you and your boyfriend or girlfriend devise for yourselves ? which, the authors point out, is never a good idea.

The reason for this, which the authors so ably lay out in the first two chapters and then continue to weave through the rest of the book, is that sexual propriety is not about God?s placing arbitrary restrictions on our relationships with the opposite sex. Indeed nothing God calls us to is wanton or capricious. God?s commands are all ?about what brings him the most glory? (p. 14). And what brings him the most glory is our reflecting his holiness and his grace more perfectly. Sex is all about the gospel (ch. 1), and from this reality flow all kinds of implications for how we should relate inside?and?outside of marriage, the only proper realm for sexual activity. Propriety in sexual matters is actually a means of protecting the Good News, where impropriety (sin is the better word) garbles and miscommunicates and mishandles that Good News.

The authors admit from the start that their message will be countercultural even within the church (p. 15). Yet it is my sense that even though it may cut against the grain, the fact that the radicalism of the authors? exhortation to purity comes not from within themselves but from God?s own heart means the Holy Spirit will use this book to convict and encourage in a big way.

Should We Kiss Dating Goodbye?

So what do we do about it? Readers do not have to wonder how to put all this into practice. Hiestand and Thomas are men of great knowledge and understanding, to be sure, but they impart truth not only through solid theological formulations but also with wise pastoral counsel. And though what they are saying is radical in a sense, they are not overly reactionary in their approach.

Sex, Dating, and Relationships?is not about abolishing dating. (That?s some good news for some of you who may be trembling by this point.) It?s about reforming dating in light of our sinful ways and God?s good design.

And what does that entail? Well, for the authors it?s important to point out that dating, while an acceptable precursor to marriage, is not a Biblical category of male-female relationship. The person you are going out on dates with is not your pre-spouse but a neighbor, and he or she does not cease to be a neighbor (with whom sexual activity is not permitted) until marriage (when sexual activity, according to Paul, is in fact commanded!).

We should not be swayed into believing otherwise by descriptions of ?committed? dating relationships. Commitment, Hiestand and Thomas remind us, is found in a solemn and rock-solid wedding vow, not in a temporary relationship that is only ?permanent for now.? Dating is always casual until/unless it becomes an engagement. (So the authors speak directly to women: ?In years gone by, a man would court a woman to be his wife. But in our day, a man courts a woman to be his girlfriend. How lame is that?? [p. 63])

How should dating be different? Hiestand and Thomas put forward a solution they call ?dating friendships.? These cut out the romantic and sexual overtones of typical dating relationships and structure the dates around getting to know one another as good friends. This is guided by four principles (backed up by Scriptural passages throughout the book):

1. ?Maintaining the guidelines of sexual and romantic purity found in the neighbor relationship;
2. Communicating clearly about one?s intentions;
3. Viewing dating as an activity rather than a category of relationship; and
4. Considering a relationship?s exclusivity as voluntary? (p. 93).

Is this a good solution? I think so! Is it the only solution based on the problems laid out in the book? Probably not. I think the proof is probably somewhere in the pudding. What would it look like for a pastor of college ministries, say, to begin counseling all students under his care to date in the way Hiestand and Thomas recommend? Does it go well, or could it go better if the counsel were tweaked? As for me, I think this is something to be tested and figured out in the crucible of the local church.

Why Read It?

To finish up my rambling ramshackle review, I want to enumerate some of the reasons I think this book should be widely read. First off, the book covers much more than I?ve been able to summarize. It deals with some interesting issues in places, like whether sexual desire is biologically determined and incapable of being controlled, and also features later chapters on taking this notion of radical purity into your lifestyle (beyond dating) and on singleness.?Sex, Dating, and Relationships offers much more than a discussion of dating, in other words; and whether or not all the chapters hang together as well as they could, every page of the book is nonetheless well written and well argued and well worth reading.

Secondly, and I hope this has been obvious, this book and the issues it touches on are so relevant for the church today and every day. What is accomplished in the book merits reading and consideration by pastors (especially the ones who go around teaching that everyone can just figure out dating for themselves!), those who are involved in the lives of single people in the church, including lay disciplers, student ministers, and the like, and perhaps most of all by parents and singles themselves.

Thirdly, the book has been expertly enriched with questions for reflection at the end of each chapter. These make?Sex, Dating, and Relationships quite useable as a book for small groups as well as for extended individual study and grappling.

If we as a church want to be built up by healthy marriages and healthy celibates, the issues tackled in Hiestand and Thomas?s book are critical for us to understand, wrestle with, and work out in our own lives and in the lives of others. Tolle lege!

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Syria violence reaches new heights with discovery of 13 corpses on heels of Houla massacre

BEIRUT - Thirteen bound corpses, many apparently shot execution-style, have been discovered in eastern Syria just days after the massacre of more than 100 people provoked international outrage and the co-ordinated expulsion of Syrian diplomats from world capitals.

The latest killings happened in Deir el-Zour province, where the bodies were found late Tuesday blindfolded with their hands tied behind their backs, U.N. observers said Wednesday. A statement by the U.N. mission said some appeared to have been shot in the head at close range.

A video posted online by activists showed the men lying face down, pools of dried blood under their heads.

The head of the U.N. observer team, Maj. Gen. Robert Mood, said he was "deeply disturbed by this appalling and inexcusable act."

The fresh killings underline violence that seems to be spiraling out of control as the uprising against President Bashar Assad that began in March 2011 has morphed into an armed insurgency. Activists say as many as 13,000 people have been killed since the revolt began.

In the wake of last weekend's massacre in Houla, in which nearly half of the 108 dead were children, the United States and Western nations expelled Syrian diplomats in protest ? a move Syria's state-run media denounced Wednesday as "unprecedented hysteria."

The massacre drew continued harsh criticism Wednesday, even from Syria's closest ally Iran, with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad saying that anyone responsible for the killings should be punished. "I'm not excluding anyone from this responsibility," Ahmadinejad told France 24 TV station.

U.N. investigators and survivors have blamed pro-regime gunmen for at least some of the carnage in Houla, a collection of poor farming villages in central Homs province, saying men in civilian clothes gunned down people in the streets and stabbed women and children in their homes. The Syrian government denied its troops were behind the killings and blamed "armed terrorists."

Damascus had said it would conclude its own investigation into the Houla deaths by Wednesday but it was not clear if the findings would be made public. The U.N.'s top human rights body planned to hold a special session Friday to address the massacre.

Meanwhile, violence continued unabated. Syrian forces bombarded rebel-held areas and clashed with army defectors in Homs province, killing at least eight people, activists said.

The United States, Britain, Canada, Australia, France, Germany, Italy, Spain and Bulgaria ordered top Syrian diplomats to leave on Tuesday.

On Wednesday, Turkey, Syria's neighbour and a former close ally, joined the co-ordinated diplomatic action, saying it ordered the Syrian charge d'affaires and other diplomats at the Syrian Embassy in Ankara to leave the country within 72 hours. The consulate in Istanbul will remain open for consular duties only.

Among the most outspoken critics of the Assad regime, Turkey closed its embassy in Damascus in March and withdrew the ambassador. Its consulate in Aleppo remains open, but the Foreign Ministry said it reduced the number of its personnel there on Wednesday.

Turkey's Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan also said new unspecified sanctions might be imposed against Syria in the coming days. The world "cannot remain silent in the face of such a situation," he said.

Japan also ordered the Syrian ambassador in Tokyo to leave the country because of concerns about violence against civilians. Japan's foreign minister, Koichiro Genba, said his country was not, however, breaking off diplomatic ties with Syria.

The Obama administration added new sanctions on a Syrian bank Wednesday as a top White House official said the U.S. wants to economically throttle Assad's regime and cut off salaries of pro-government thugs blamed for the grisly massacre in Houla.

The U.S. Treasury Department said the Syria International Islamic Bank has been acting as a front for other Syrian financial institutions seeking to circumvent sanctions. The new penalties will prohibit the bank from engaging in transactions in the U.S. and will freeze any assets under U.S. jurisdiction.

"We are strangling the regime economically," White House deputy national security adviser Denis McDonough said.

The international community has been grappling with ways to quell the deadly violence and spur a political transition. The U.S. and Western countries are loathe to use military intervention similar to last year's campaign in Libya to oust Moammar Gadhafi, fearing a backlash.

The White House said this week that such an assault risks leading to "greater chaos, greater carnage."

But for now, Syria can still count on the support of its allies China and Russia, which on Wednesday criticized the diplomatic moves.

"The banishment of Syrian ambassadors from the capitals of leading Western states seems to us to be a counterproductive step," Russian Foreign Ministry spokesman Alexander Lukashevich said. He said the move closes "important channels" to influence Syria.

U.N. special envoy Kofi Annan met with Assad on Tuesday in Damascus to try to salvage what was left of his peace plan, which since being brokered six weeks ago has failed to stop any of the violence on the ground.

Tensions have escalated as more information emerges about the May 25 killings in Houla.

The U.N.'s human rights office said most of the victims were shot execution-style at close range, with fewer than 20 people cut down by regime shelling.

The U.N. Security Council met behind closed doors Wednesday to hear briefings from Annan's deputy Jean-Marie Guehenno and U.N. peacekeeping chief Herve Ladsous.

U.S. Ambassador Susan Rice warned that a failure of Annan's peace plan could create a spreading conflict that creates "a major crisis" not only in Syria but also region-wide.

"And members of this council and members of the international community are left with the option only of considering whether they are prepared to take actions outside of the Annan plan and the authority of this council," she told reporters.

___

Associated Press writers Selcan Hacaoglu in Ankara, Turkey, Albert Aji in Damascus, Syria, and Edith M. Lederer at the United Nations contributed to this report.

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Video: Jurors: Edwards isn?t a bad guy

>>> tonight for the face time some of the jurors in the john edwards case are speaking out publicly about what went on in the jury room, what they think of edwards and why. after nine days of deliberations they were unable to reach a verdict in five of the six counts against him. here's nbc's lisa myers .

>> reporter: jurors say they put aside their personal feelings about john edwards , deliberated diligently and tried to work it out but finally realized yesterday there would be no unanimous decision on five of the six counts. on the "today" show, the foreman and two other jurors told matt lauer they voted strictly on the evidence.

>> raise your hands if you think john edwards was guilty on at least some of the counts against him. okay, raise your hands if you think john edwards is a bad guy .

>> reporter: later one juror explained the contradiction.

>> in this instance i think he is a, possibly a good person who made a bad decision.

>> reporter: why wasn't edwards convicted of anything? these jurors say the government simply failed to prove the allegations. that edwards orchestrated a scheme to use almost $1 million in illegal contributions from wealthy donors to hide his mistress, rielle hunter, and that he knew he was breaking the law when he did it.

>> we all thought that he knew, but there just was not the evidence there to prove it.

>> it was just a lack of evidence. we had to go back and ask for assistance and direction, but it just, it wasn't there.

>> reporter: they said they didn't find the prosecution's star witness, andrew young , to be credible. two jurors said the fact that the youngs pocketed most of the money and poured much of it, this, their dream home, was hung.

>> our goal in that jury room was to follow the money. that money just was never in john edwards ' hands.

>> reporter: jurors told us that on every count the majority of jurors sided with edwards , voting not guilty. in the end they say the most votes prosecutors got on any count was 4 out of the 12 needed, a stinging defeat. the jury foreman called it a victory for the system.

>> it proved that someone can be innocent until proven guilty and that's exactly what happened in this case.

>> reporter: the justice department still is not commenting on the verdict or on whether it will retry a case that was highly criticized from the start. federal law enforcement source says a retrial is unlikely. lester?

>> lisa myers in north carolina

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Suu Kyi takes centre stage on Thailand trip

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Forget 'Men in Black 3': Why aliens won't attack Earth

SETI hunter Jill Tarter says Sir Stephen Hawking is wrong about aliens coming to attack or colonize Earth.? If aliens can get here, Tarter reasons, they'll be advanced enough not to need slaves, food or other planets,

By Mike Wall,?Space.com / May 29, 2012

Tommy Lee Jones in a scene from "Men in Black 3." SETI director Jill Tarter disagrees with science fiction portrayals of aliens arriving on Earth to enslave mankind.

(AP Photo/Columbia Pictures-Sony, Wilson Webb)

Enlarge

Despite what the movies tell us, any aliens that visit Earth probably won't want to enslave or vaporize us, veteran E.T. hunter Jill Tarter says.

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Hostile aliens abound at the multiplex these days, terrorizing our planet in films such as "Battleship" and "Men in Black 3." But science fiction is probably far from reality in its depiction of Earth-contacting extraterrestrials, said Tarter, who announced Monday (May 22) that she's retiring after spending 35 years scanning the heavens for signals from intelligent life beyond Earth.

"If aliens were able to visit Earth, that would mean they would have technological capabilities sophisticated enough not to need slaves, food or other planets," Tarter, who is stepping down as director of the Center for SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) Research at the SETI Institute in Mountain View, Calif., said in a statement.

RECOMMENDED: Are you scientifically literate? Take the quiz.

Tarter's confidence in aliens' benign intentions puts her at odds with famed British astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, who has warned that extraterrestrial civilzations may venture our way to strip-mine our planet for resources.

"While Sir Stephen Hawking warned that alien life might try to conquer or colonize Earth, I respectfully disagree," Tarter said. "If aliens were to come here, it would be simply to explore. Considering the age of the universe, we probably wouldn?t be their first extraterrestrial encounter, either."

Tarter, other scientists and a variety of artists and entertainers will gather next month in Santa Clara, Calif., to discuss such issues in depth. SETICon II, held June 22-24, will explore humanity's place in the universe and the future of the search for life beyond Earth, conference organizers said.

While Tarter, 68, is retiring from her long-held research role at the SETI Institute, she will continue to devote herself to the search for E.T. She'll fund-raise full-time for the Institute, which had to shut down its alien-hunting Allen Telescope Array for seven months last year because of a budget shortfall.

SPACE.com recently caught up with Tarter to discuss the reasons for her career change, how the SETI effort has changed since she started out in the 1970s and what it would mean to finally pluck an alien signal out of the air.

SPACE.com:?Why did you decide to retire as director of the Center for SETI Research, and switch over to fundraising full-time?

Tarter: Because last year, with the hibernation of the [Allen Telescope] Array, that entire event ? it was just eye-opening. That was a wakeup call. Funding is so precarious that we've just got to get the job done, and get stable funding into the house to do SETI research.

We have a new partner ? we got that deal done, so we can operate the Array. But now we've got to provide funding for people to actually use it and do clever things, and do research, and look in new ways. So I can't put it off any longer. It's really critical.

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